How the Hell Did This Happen?
by Turtle Babe
Summary: The company runs into a bit of trouble after recently leaving the Shire. How do they deal with this? They wake a thief.
1. Chapter 1

**How the Hell Did This Happen?**

Just for fun. I own nothing.

Chapter One

How the hell did this happen?" Thorin roared as Dwalin continued to throw himself against the bars of the cage most of the company was locked in, "Where was the watch?"

"Knocked out cold," Bofur spat holding Bilbo against him as the hobbit stayed unconscious, "They hit him one good."

"Lads, out for the count, Thorin," Oin sighed as he prodded the lump on the back of Bilbo's head, "Where is the dratted wizard that was supposed to be watching with the Halfling? Bilbo didn't see what hit him."

Thorin cursed angrily. The company had been besieged by bandits in the night and now most were chained in a cave or locked in the damn cage. Thorin himself was manacled near his two nephews who were also unconscious and still where they hung from their chains.

"This won't give," Dwalin snarled, "We are gloriously stuck because a wizard needed to water a tree."

"Dammit, what do we do now?" Thorin groaned.

"We wake a thief," Dori replied hovering anxiously near the bars as all eyes turned to look at Nori sprawled before the cage still and unmoving with manacles around his wrists, "Nori, can you hear me? Nori, I need you to wake up now. Wake up, Nori. Your skills are gravely needed."

"Of course," Dwalin snorted taking in the chains that connected Nori to the cave floor as the thief lay curled on his side, "Wake up, Nori. Get up. Get up! Open your eyes!"

"Ori, you try," Dori ordered as his younger brother looked up from the opposite side of the cage from Thorin where he was chained to the cave wall, "Nori has already responded to you without question. Get him up. Make him think he needs to get to you immediately…I guess that would be the truth of the matter anyway. Wake him up, Ori."

"Brother?" Ori called moving as far forward as his chains would allow, "Nori, please wake up. Wake up now. Nori, we need you. Get up. Get up, Nori."

"Get up, Thief, or I'll knock you one harder" Dwalin growled before grunting as Dori slapped him one.

"Don't threaten my brother," Dori gritted out, "He was knocked out right after Bilbo. It was Nori that sounded the alarm before we got completely besieged. Nori, wake up. Nori, we need to get Ori to safety. Wake up."

"Not just your brother," Thorin bit out as Dori glanced at him irritably, "Can't you see the state of my nephews and the hobbit? I also think that Nori might be injured judging by the fact that he hasn't budged an inch since he was dragged in here."

"Peace, Thorin," Dwalin sighed, "Nori's hurt, but he fights through anything to keep Ori safe. He always has even back at the Blue Mountains. Dori is correct. Nori will respond to Ori first."

A cry of pain from Ori made everyone start.

"That hurt, Master Gloin," Ori whimpered rubbing the side of his face against his shoulder, "Why'd you twist my ear?"

"If Nori will wake up faster due to hearing you, then it is for the best," Gloin said as he reached for Ori again, even as the other dwarf moved as far from the hands reaching through the bars as possible, "Stay still and take it like a dwarf."

"Touch my brother again and I'll break your fingers," Dori threatened as Gloin spluttered, "If Nori hears that you hurt Ori, your throat would be slit in the night without you being the wiser and I'd let him."

"Are you threatening my little brother?" Oin demanded as Dori drew himself up angrily.

"Is your little brother trying to hurt _my_ little brother?" Dori questioned right back.

"Enough," Thorin instructed, "Nori, get up. Get up, Nori. We have need of you. Your brothers need you. Wake up! Wake _up_!"

Bifur hurried to the bars and reached for a pebble and threw it gently to bounce off of the still dwarf. He did so again a bit harder and was rewarded with a small grunt from the thief.

"Nori!" Ori tried again, "Nori, help me. Nori, I need your help. Wake up, Nori. Get up! Nori, please wake up."

The whole company continued calling out to the middle Ri until he shifted slightly letting out a groan. Nori trembled slightly as he raised enough for the company to see that one side of his hair had come undone and hung messily.

"Nori? Are you hurt?" Dori hissed looking at his brother in concern, "Nori, answer me. Come on, Nori. Get up and answer me."

Ori cried out again making Nori flinch. Gloin's cry of pain followed after Dori decked him one.

"Ori?" Nori murmured shifting some more trying to push himself fully upright, "Ori?"

"I'm here," Ori called as the company watched Nori trying to get his bearings, "Nori, help me. I'm stuck."

"Stuck?" Nori panted trying to sit up, "Dori?"

"Here," Dori assured as he watched his brother in concern, "We were attacked do you remember?"

Nori looked up at Dori in confusion and the elder Ri hissed at the dried blood that was caked on the side of his head.

"Attacked?" Nori questioned swaying and then looked in confusion at the manacles on his wrist, "What? Ori?"

"I'm here," Ori said again as Nori looked up at him.

Dwalin frowned. The thief was slow moving and possible concussed judging by his behavior.

"Nori, can you get us out of here?" Dwalin questioned as Nori looked at him in confusion, "Do you understand what I am saying?"

"Hello, Dwalin," Nori murmured as the warrior blanched.

"Hello, Nori," Dwalin offered shaking his head.

"Tight," Nori blurted looking at the cuffs on his wrist, "Bad. Ori. Dori. Ori and Dori. Dori and Ori."

"Great," Gloin sighed, "They've knocked the wits right out of him. Now what do we do?"

A clink of metal was his answer as everyone looked and saw one of the manacles off of Nori's wrist.

"I'll be damned," Thorin breathed watching as Nori expertly picked the second manacle with a thin, metal pin and had it open and off of his wrist as well, "Where did he get that from?"

"Who knows," Dwalin drawled, "I've practically strip searched Nori in the past and he still is able to pick a lock and escape."

"You did what? _Pervert_," Dori huffed as the warrior growled.

"Ori," Nori murmured again as he tried to stand on his feet, "Ori."

"He should unlock the cage first," Balin stated watching as Nori pushed himself to his feet looking pale and ill.

"He's working on adrenaline to reach Ori," Dori explained, "If we distract him then he will pass out and be no help to any of us. Nori, get Ori. Get him, Brother."

Nori swayed on his feet and took a stumbling step forward only to tilt dangerously. He took another step before grabbing to the bars of the cage and leaned over to vomit all over the floor.

"Certainly a concussion," Oin hissed as Dori and he reached hands to try and steady Nori, "Easy there, Lad."

Nori straightened as best he could and staggered towards Ori as hands helped him along while the company worked together to get the dwarf to his brother. He nearly fell, but Dwalin held him up as he shuddered.

"Easy does it, Nori," Dwalin suggested as the dwarf tried to get his feet back underneath him.

"Whose?" Nori breathed patting the hands under his arms and looked up, "Hi."

"Hello, Nori," Dwalin greeted, "Get your brother. Go get Ori."

"Ori?" the thief asked before looking over and frowning, "Bad chains."

"That's right," Dwalin assured as Nori pulled from his grip, "Get the chains off of your brother. Go on."

The thief stumbled over to Ori and hissed at the manacles angrily.

"Off," Nori mumbled beginning to pick the locks, "Get off of him. Off. Bad."

Ori had to grab for his brother once the first manacle snapped apart as Nori swayed.

"Steady, Brother," Ori warned as Nori paled even further.

"Off," Nori bit out as he attacked the last manacle and it snapped apart due to his clever hands, "Ori, hurt?"

"No," Ori soothed as he pulled Nori's arm over his shoulder to bolster his brother up, "Let's get Dori now. Come on."

"Dori," Nori breathed looking up, "Where?"

"Here," Dori answered as Ori led their brother over as he stumbled, "You've done good, Nori, keep it up."

"Good. Done good," Nori echoed as Ori assisted him to kneel on the ground in front of the cage door, "Hello, Door."

Gloin face-palmed as Dori looked troubled at his brother's confusion.

To be continued…


	2. Chapter 2

**How the Hell Did This Happen?**

Just for fun. I own nothing.

Chapter Two

"Dori," Nori breathed looking up, "Where?"

"Here," Dori answered as Ori led their brother over as he stumbled, "You've done good, Nori, keep it up."

"Good. Done good," Nori echoed as Ori assisted him to kneel on the ground in front of the cage door, "Hello, Door."

Gloin face-palmed as Dori looked troubled at his brother's confusion.

"Open the door," Dwalin urged as Nori blinked up at him, "Get your brother out of this cage. Door is bad just like the manacles."

Nori looked at Dwalin and back at the door.

"Bad door," Nori sniffed slapping feebly at the door, "Let Dori go."

Bifur snorted as his shoulders shook in silent laughter. In fact, most of the company were having troubled controlling their mirth.

"Lad doesn't know what he is saying," Oin snapped, "Nori is functioning as best he can. Give him a break."

"Durin's Beard," Gloin uttered rubbing his forehead in exasperation, "Sounds like how my wee, lad Gimli was as a sprite and…and…."

"And, what?" Bofur asked as Gloin stilled.

"Nori, let's play a game," Gloin practically cooed as many eyebrows were raised as the red-maned dwarf stooped to look the thief in the face, "Do you want to play a game now? It'll be fun."

"Fun?" Nori sighed and then nodded, "Game."

"Let's play 'Who Can Pick a Lock Faster,'" Gloin cheered softly as Nori blinked at him, "I bet you that I can pick a lock faster than you can."

"No. Uh-uh," Nori denied shaking his head as others caught on to what Gloin was doing, "_I'm_ faster."

"I don't know. Master Gloin is pretty fast," Balin said playing along, "You'll have to prove it to me that you are faster."

"Kay," Nori agreed and went to work on the cage lock and had it picked and opened in seconds, "See?"

Next he leaned over and promptly vomited once again as Ori supported him.

"Dori, feel sick," Nori gasped as his older brother helped him lean against him once he was done being ill.

"I know," Dori admitted as the dwarves piled out of the cage while the healer pushed forward to get to Nori, "Oin's going to help you. Can one of you get the manacles off of Thorin and his nephews without Nori's assistance? He's getting worse."

"Not really," Dwalin snarled as he looked over the locks as Balin supported Fili and Bifur supported Kili, "We've got to move before the scum who did this to us know we have escaped."

Dori grimaced, but together he and Ori got Nori back up and over to Thorin as his head flopped forward.

"Sick," Nori moaned having trouble staying on his feet before focusing on Thorin, "Hi."

"Hi," Thorin answered, "Nori, focus on me. Don't you _dare_ throw up on my boots."

"Sorry," Nory coughed out after he had gagged for a moment, "Sorry, Thorin."

"That's okay. Look at me. Get me out of these chains, Nori," Thorin ordered as the dwarf gazed at him, "Hurry, Nori. My nephews are hurt too."

"Fili. Kili," Nori mumbled, "Yours?"

"My nephews. Yes," Thorin agreed seeing that Nori's eyes were having trouble focusing so he tried for a gentler tone, "Get me out of these manacles so I can help my nephews."

"Help," Nori breathed reaching for the first cuff, "Nori help Thorin help nephews."

"That's right," Thorin nodded out, "Help me help Fili and Kili."

The manacles were picked quickly and then Nori was led to first Fili and then Kili before he was allowed to rest.

"Uncle?" Fili asked as he was sat gingerly to the ground before he gasped and sat up straighter, "Kili!"

"He's here," Thorin assured, "Oin, how is he?"

"Starting to stir," Oin offered, "I think both lads were hit at pressure points to render them temporarily unconscious. They'll both be fine."

"What hit me?" Kili groaned sitting up with assistance, "Fili?"

"Right here," Fili soothed as he crawled over to assure himself that his brother was okay.

"Oin, stay here and watch my nephews, Bilbo, and Nori," Thorin growled rising angrily, "We have some men that need handling."

The company handled them indeed as they caught the bandits off guard as they slept and ended the criminals' existences since they were murders to begin with. Then Gandalf showed up.

"Where have you _been_?" Thorin thundered angrily, "A third of my company are injured because you left your watch! We are just lucky that the thieves tethered the ponies or they would have bolted, you worthless wizard!"

"Too much of Bombur's soup," Gandalf admitted, "Won't happen again."

Dori was assisting his brother past at that point and Nori promptly vomited all over Gandalf's boots. The wizard looked down in horror and then over at Thorin as he barked a loud laugh.

"Serves you right. Nori was hurt due to your negligence and there is a poetic justice in his aim," Thorin snorted, "Your hobbit was injured as well."

Gandalf glared and went to wash his boots in the stream before hurrying over to check on Bilbo.

"Good job, Nori," Thorin congratulated as Nori looked up at him in confusion before passing out completely.

It was two days later than Nori woke up to the concerned faces of his brothers.

"What happened?" Nori moaned putting a hand to his head only to feel a bandage on his forehead, "What is this?"

"Do you remember the attack from the bandits?" Dori asked and frowned as Nori shook his head in the negative and then nearly chuckled when his brother stilled when he noticed his hair was down loose around his shoulders in apparent irritation.

"That's pretty normal for a concussion," Oin assured as he walked over, "How many fingers am I holding up?"

"Four?" Nori asked closing his eyes since his head ached terribly.

"Just two fingers," Oin sighed, "Thorin we're going to be here at least another day. Nori can't be moved."

"Agreed," Thorin called back, "I don't think we can begrudge Nori needing to rest since we wouldn't have gotten out of that mess without him."

"I picked the locks," Nori gasped looking about, "The bandits! Ori!"

"I'm here," Ori soothed, "I wasn't hurt."

"Why is your ear bruised?" Nori hissed noticing right away Ori's wince, Dori's look of triumph, and Gloin's face turning red, "Dori, who did this to our brother?"

"I handled it," Dori grinned out smirking at Gloin who looked up and sported a nice, black eye, "Your head injury was the worst of the attack. You were pretty confused, but you did what was needed. Bilbo got a knock to his head as well, but is fine now."

"Did you take down my hair?" Nori sighed as his elder brother nodded, "Please tell me I didn't do anything embarrassing."

"Not at all," Dori soothed as his brother closed his eyes and the elder Ri turned menacing eyes on the company as they balked at the intended threat.

"You threw up on my boots," Gandalf accused angrily as he stalked by.

"You left us alone for this to happen," Nori snapped back before groaning, "Dori, make the oliphaunt in my head go away."

"Oin, do you have some willow bark tea?" Dori asked looking at his brother with concern.

"I've already prepared some," Oin assured as he handed Dori the cup and watched as the elder brother helped Nori sip at the tea.

The company watched as Nori's pain lines faded as the tea began to help alleviate his pain. Everyone was pretty thankful now that they had someone with clever hands like Nori on their side even if they had to retrieve their belongings from him from time to time.

"I still feel like I am being persecuted without cause," Gandalf nearly whined as he walked closer to Nori, "I couldn't help nature's call."

Nori suddenly vomited all over Gandalf's boots again.

"Nori!" Dori cried supporting his brother.

"He'll be fine," Oin soothed, "All part and parcel of a head injury."

"How the hell did this happen?" the wizard bristled as he stomped away.

Howls of laughter was Gandalf's answer as Nori slipped back to sleep with a smug grin on his face.

"I can't believe I was actually rooting for a thief," Dwalin grumbled to his brother as the two watched Dori fussing over Nori while Ori tried to calm his eldest brother, "Wonders never cease, I tell you."

"I have a quote for your chronicles, Ori," Balin grinned out as the youngest Ri looked up at him, "Thieves, scribes, and mothering hens within our company makes the best of friends."

Dori rolled his eyes as Ori giggled loudly. Gloin sighed as Oin and Dwalin chuckled. Bifur laughed silently as Bofur and Bombur sat by a grinning Bilbo. Thorin remained stoic, but had been keeping his nephews closer since the attack. Nori slept on as Gandalf cursed him angrily from the river. Just another odd day on this very odd adventure.

The end.


End file.
